


A Fear of Happiness (It’s Always Been You)

by maraudersaffair



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Christmas Presents, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Jealousy, M/M, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:46:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudersaffair/pseuds/maraudersaffair
Summary: Sirius thinks he will be alone for Christmas at Grimmauld Place. Remus has other ideas.





	A Fear of Happiness (It’s Always Been You)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for letsdothepanic. This is an AU of OOTP where Arthur wasn't attacked. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Sirius hated being alone in Grimmauld Place. It’d been the case as a child, and it was the case as an adult. The shadows whispered to him, beckoning him, and the portraits judged him with their dusty eyes. He spent the lonely hours under paper-thin duvets, his breath hot on his face. He’d always liked hiding in his boyhood bed. He’d always liked squeezing his eyes closed, imagining he was someone else, someone with options and light and love. 

It was Christmas Eve, and he was free from Azkaban physically but not mentally. Harry and the Weasleys were at the Burrow, and none of the Order wanted to spend their holiday in such a depressing place like the Black family home. Remus was probably inside Tonks _at this very moment_. 

Sirius flung the bedding from his face and stared up at the darkened ceiling. Something small moved up there, and he wondered if it were a spider. He should take a shower and eat something. He should have a wank and think about Rosmerta’s breasts or Bill’s arse. He shouldn’t think about Remus. Did he want to spend his Christmas crying?

He dragged himself to the kitchen, which was cold and dark, and his hand trembled as he cast a warming charm. He heard Kreacher through the wall, muttering to himself. He wanted to shout at him to be quiet, Merlin he hated that stupid elf, but he didn’t do it. He needed to stop taking out his pain and anger on lower things. His knuckles were still bruised from when he tried to put his fist through his bedroom wall.

He slammed open cabinets in search for the kettle. Molly was always putting it somewhere he couldn’t find. She was always _moving_ things, his things. She wasn’t owner of this house!

When he found the kettle, he quickly brewed his tea and nabbed a half-empty bottle of whiskey. He paused. He shouldn’t drink. Alcohol always made the loneliness worse. He shrugged and poured a long stream into his cup. He stirred and took a sip. Merlin, it was gross. He didn’t understand why people added booze to their tea. He added some sugar and tasted it again. Better.

Upstairs, the front door opened. Sirius stood quickly, his wand raised. He wasn’t expecting anyone. There were footsteps on the stairs, then Remus appeared in the kitchen. They stared at one another.

“Happy Christmas,” Remus said quietly.

“Shouldn’t we ask each other questions? Snivellus could’ve finally betrayed the Order.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” He looked into Sirius’ eyes. “Who was the first person I kissed?”

“Me,” he whispered.

Remus smiled slightly. “Yes. When?”

“We were thirteen. Where was the location?”

Remus raised his gaze to the ceiling. “It was over summer holiday, in your bed upstairs.”

Sirius turned away, unable to remain looking at him. “Now that we got that out of the way, would you care for some tea? I’m also having whiskey.”

Remus approached the table, taking off his shabby coat and scarf. “Molly packed us dinner. We didn’t want you to go hungry on Christmas.”

“So you’ve been to the Burrow.”

“Yes. Harry misses you.”

“Was Tonks there?”

“Yes.”

He couldn’t respond. He sat down and drank deeply from his cup. The idea of Remus with Tonks at the Burrow made him want to flip over the table.

Remus pulled out a tiny basket from his pocket and enlarged it. “Do you want to eat now?”

“No.”

“All right. I’ll just put it under a _stasis_ charm.”

“Thanks.”

Sirius finished his tea and poured some whiskey into his cup. He drank without looking at Remus.

“You should slow down.”

“What’s it to you?”

“Nothing, I suppose,” Remus said softly. “I’m just trying to look out for my friend.”

“We’re not friends.”

“No?” He sounded hurt. 

“ _No._ ” Sirius didn’t want to be friends with Remus; he wanted to be his lover, his companion. He wanted Remus to want him. 

“What happened to your hand? I’ve been wondering.”

Sirius hesitated. “I punched a wall.”

“Why?”

Sirius shook his head. He didn’t want to say.

“Let me heal it.”

“No, thank you.”

Remus breathed deeply. “Padfoot.”

Sirius shook his head again. “No, don’t call me that.”

“She means nothing to me.”

“How is that possible?”

He hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

“You also don’t want to _displease_ Molly.”

“I don’t care what Molly thinks of me.”

Sirius laughed, and it was cruel. “You care what _everyone_ thinks of you.”

“I came here because I want to be with you.”

“You pity me.”

“No.”

“What did Tonks say when you told her you were leaving? Did she try to kiss you? Did she cry?”

“You don’t have to be rude.”

Sirius stood, knocking over his chair. “You’ve no idea what I’ve been through, what I’ve suffered. I survived for _you_.”

“You survived for Harry and revenge.”

Still, Sirius couldn’t look at him. It hurt too much. He swerved around, angry at everything. He hated this place. He hated himself. He wished he were Tonks. He wished he were anyone in the world but himself. 

“You shouldn’t have come. It hurts too much.”

Remus came toward him. He reached for Sirius’ hand. “Let me heal you.”

Sirius glanced at him, and he found Remus’ eyes dark with emotion. There had always been something about that face. There had always been something about Remus Lupin that unraveled him. 

Sirius trembled. He gulped. When he spoke, he barely heard himself. “It was after the Order meeting last week. Do you remember? I tried to speak to you but Tonks took your hand and drew you into the parlour. And you let her. You let her take you away from me.”

“You’ve been avoiding me for months. I didn’t understand the significance of that moment. Tonks needed to speak to me and I let her.”

“You fancy her.”

Remus sighed. “I like her, yes.”

“Have you fucked her?”

Remus raised his chin. “I’m not sure if that’s any of your business.”

Laughing, Sirius turned away. “I put my fist in the wall after she took you away.”

He sighed again. “I’m in a difficult position. It’s not like you welcomed me with open arms. You can barely look at me. Tonks is a nice girl. Misguided, perhaps, but affection comes easy to her.”

“And if I showed you affection? Would it change things?”

“Why do you think I’m here and not at the Burrow?”

Sirius turned back to him. It was hard to breathe. “I’m scared.”

“I don’t want to pressure you.”

“I’m messed up.” Merlin, he didn’t want to cry. “I’m trying my best, but I’m not ready to be happy.”

“And being with me would make you happy?”

Sirius nodded, his eyes prickling. “It’s so hard to happy. I’m terrified of it.”

“Oh, Padfoot,” Remus whispered.

“Don’t you dare pity me.”

Remus stepped closer. “Please. I want to kiss you.”

“I haven’t been kissed in fourteen years.”

“I know, love.”

“You deserve someone better than me.”

“Shh.” Remus framed his face with cold hands. “You have beautiful eyes.”

“It’s the only thing still beautiful about me.”

“No.” Remus kissed him softly, and their lips were chapped. He smoothed his thumb over his cheek. “How was that?”

“Again,” Sirius said, his eyes closed.

Remus kissed him again, lingering for a moment. It was weird, a bit shocking, but Sirius pressed closer. He kissed Remus back, still awkward, but it made Remus moan softly. 

“I want to see you.”

Remus glanced over his shoulder and they were both thinking about Kreacher. “Let’s go up to your room.”

Sirius took his hand, remembering how Tonks had held it. He drew Remus up to the second level, not caring if the portraits huffed and muttered about obscenity.

In his bedroom, he ignited a few candles with his wand and sent his old pants and socks to the cupboard. Remus pulled him into a hard kiss, and Sirius gasped into his mouth. 

“I want you to see me,” Remus said. “I want you to touch me.”

Sirius unbuttoned his trousers. He touched his warm stomach, feeling the hair there. Remus was aroused, and his erection pressed against his pants. 

“You want me,” Sirius muttered, staring.

“Of course I want you.”

Sirius eased his pants down. He gulped. Remus looked different. He looked more capable. 

“It’s okay if you’re scared. Don’t feel pressured.”

“Shut up,” Sirius said, and he wrapped his hand around his cock. He watched Remus’ face as he stroked slowly. Remus’ eyes fluttered, his lips parting. “Yeah? You like this?”

“Could use some spit.”

Not knowing where his courage came from, Sirius dropped to his knees. He licked Remus before he thought about it. 

“Oh,” Remus said.

Sirius’ head spun. He remembered this. He remembered how it felt. He took Remus’ bollocks into his mouth, sucking, and he finally felt himself getting hard. 

He licked the tip bravely. He tongued under the head. Remus’ fingers bit into his shoulders. 

“Suck me. I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Eyes fluttering, he took Remus into his mouth, adding suction, his tongue lapping. The taste was strange, maybe too overwhelming, but he sucked harder and felt Remus’s cock jerk. 

“Fuck,” Remus said, backing away. His cock was so hard it pointed up. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Sirius asked, shifting, his knees starting to ache.

“No, love. I was getting too carried away. I didn’t want to choke you.”

Sirius stared, contemplating. “I want you to fuck me.”

Remus trembled. “No, I can’t. I want you too much.”

“I don’t care. I want you too.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He rubbed a shaking hand over his face. “I’ll hurt you, I just know it.”

“Please,” Sirius whispered, pulling him to bed.

They undressed each other, slowly, tenderly. Remus sucked on Sirius’ neck, which made him gasp and squirm. Sirius marveled in the warmth of his body, the smoothness of his back. There were scars, but the worst ones were on his chest, and Sirius made sure to follow them with his tongue.

“Want you,” Remus murmured.

“You never act like it.”

Remus kissed down his chest. “Want you too much to show it.”

“Absolute nutter.”

“Yeah,” Remus answered, distracted. “Turn over.”

Sirius rolled onto his stomach, unseating Remus in the process. He widened his legs and buried his head in a pillow. There was a storm of emotion inside him.

“You have the best arse.” Remus stroked and massage, his touch commanding.

“Good,” Sirius said.

Remus Conjured some lube and gently pressed a finger into Sirius. “All right?”

“Yeah,” Sirius breathed. 

Remus moved his finger in and out, and Sirius didn’t need to see his face to know that he was watching his penetration.

“More,” Sirius said, squirming. “I can take more.”

“You can.” Remus added another finger, curling, seeking. “You’re not as tight as I thought you’d be.”

“You’re all I ever think about. Sometimes it’s overwhelming.”

Remus sucked in a breath. “And you need to touch yourself?”

“Yeah.” Sirius pushed back on his fingers, gasping. “I’m ready. You can get inside me.”

“Pushy,” he muttered, but he withdrew and lined up his cock. “Ready?”

“Merlin, _yes_ ,” Sirius huffed.

Remus thrust into him, slowly, oh so carefully. Sirius gritted his teeth and clawed at the sheets. When Remus bottomed out, he paused and clutched at Sirius’ hips.

Remus groaned. He swore. “Tell me you’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” Sirius said, teeth still gritted.

“Tell me if you need me to stop.”

“Just get on with it.” 

Trembling from the pleasure, Remus rocked into him, over and over. The air was hot from their bodies, and soon his grasp became slippery from sweat. Sirius buried his face into the pillow and moaned. Remus was inside him again. Finally. After all these years.

“I need more, I need -” Remus sounded panicked.

“Shh, it’s okay. Do whatever you need. I’m not going to break.”

Moaning, Remus pressed him hard into the bed, his nails biting into his hips. He quickened his thrusts, rough and urgent. 

Fuck! Sirius wanted to scream. He was making sound, grunting, but he couldn’t control it. It hurt. It was overwhelming. He gasped, and he realized he couldn’t catch his breath. 

“Sirius, _Sirius_.”

“Moony!”

“It’s always been you.”

“ _Yes_.”

“Only you,” Remus groaned, and he bit his shoulder. He was coming, his hips slowing, his thighs shaking.

“Fuck,” Sirius said, when it was all over.

Remus mouthed over his shoulders, down his back. He whispered: “Turn over.”

Sirius turned over. His cock was half-hard, his heart pounding. 

“Can I suck you?”

Sirius gulped. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?” Remus looked at him intensely, his color high. 

“Yeah.”

Remus kissed down his trembling stomach. He took him into his mouth, sucking lightly, and Sirius cried out and arched up. His cock hardened so quickly he became dizzy.

Remus moaned and bobbed his head. 

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Sirius wasn’t going to last; he wasn’t -

He gave one feeble thrust and came, his head full of white noise, his hands tearing at his sheets. Remus moaned again and swallowed it all.

“How’s your arse?” Remus asked, once Sirius had relaxed.

“Good,” he murmured, sleepy. He threw an arm around Remus and pulled him closer. “It hurts a little.”

“I could get you a potion.”

“No.” Sirius pressed his cheek to his chest, breathing him in. “Just sleep with me.”

When morning arrived, Sirius and Remus showered together and wandered down to the kitchen to eat some food. The Floo roared to life, and they wandered back up to the lounge to see who it was.

“I bet it’s Molly,” Remus said.

They stopped in the doorway. It was Harry, alone, and he was carrying presents.

“I hope you don’t mind!”

Sirius was overcome with joy. He laughed and hugged Harry, crushing some of the presents. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

“Me too,” Harry said, righting his glasses.

“Won’t you miss your mates?” Sirius asked.

“Nope.” Harry smiled at Remus and handed him a large box. “That’s from me. I hope you like it.”

Remus shook the box. “Sounds like a jumper.”

“It is!”

“Thank you, Harry,” he said softly. 

They fell back on the sofa in front of the fire. Harry grinned from ear to ear.

“Now you open your present, Sirius.”

“Later,” Sirius said, afraid he’d cry. “Tell me how your Christmas Eve was.”

As Harry spoke, Remus smiled and touched Sirius’ hand.

“Happy Christmas,” he murmured.

Sirius smiled. “Yes, Happy Christmas.”


End file.
